Outlawed Pranks on the NX01
by Munch's GunAngel
Summary: When you spend several months with the same people on a starship you have to do something... Ellesworth is my character that is specifically for this verse. She is an Angel from the planet Angelus. She works in weapons developement.
1. Part 1

**Outlawed Pranking on the NX-01**

By Keiji-Munch

Chappie 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Enterprise. I am imposing my character on this verse, though. These pranks are no longer allowed. We will keep a running list here. I'd like to thank Augusta for some ideas. You're welcome to add your own too.

When you spend several months with the same people on a starship you have to do something…

**Do not ****put ink in senoir officers' drinks **

T'pol's mouth still glows blue. It is rather obvious when she wants to speak. She has been planning to get Trip back for that one, even though Vulcans do not believe in revenge.

**Putting small incendiary rounds in cups is highly dangerous**

Lt Emily Ellesworth frowned. That was her favorite prank.

Malcolm wasn't much happier. Guess they're going to have to find something nonincendiary. That might be doable.

**Whopee cusions…just don't go there**

Archer is still trying to find the one in his bridge chair. The bridge officers cannot keep a straight face when the Captain makes his apperance. It's as equally as difficult to cunduct serious negotiations.

**Custards and crème pies are not to become projectiles**

Chef weaps when his food is used for such infatile events. It's definitely not pretty. Believe me. Sorry Hoshi, no more throwing food at the pigs of this ship.

**There will be no crimescene tape allowed on this ship again**

Lieutenant Ellesworth is tired of not being able to get into her ballistics lab Malcolm. Yes I know it's you because you're the only one on board that has access to the stuff.

**The enviromental controls are strictly off limits to any unquallified officers.**

I don't care how much you enjoy ice skateing.

**Turning the hallways into a slip 'n' slide can land you on KP Duty for a week**

Travis found out that if you plug up the sinks in the men's bathroom the corridor outside became a wonderful place to body surf very quickly…but it didn't drain as quickly.

**Denobulan pepper is no longer considered an appropriate condiment.**

Dr. Phlox thought he'd be nice and offer a replacement when the pepper at the captain's table ran out. The Captain and Trip swear they still can't taste anything and it's been two weeks.

**Horror movies are no longer to be viewed right before overnight away missions.**

T'pol will no longer deal with screaming Ensigns. Commander Tucker needs to stop hiding in the forests and jumping out at them. It is totally irrational.

**Insulting Malcolm's heritage is a really bad idea.**

Malcolm carries a phase pistol on him at all times. He also has fast access to a number of martial arts, photon torpedoes, torpedoes, phase cannons, and plasma rifles. Lest we not add incendiary devices as previously mentioned.

**Cheesy pick-up lines involving angels that are directed at **

**Lieutenant Ellesworth is another bad idea.**

Lieutenant Ellesworth has all the toys and abilities that Malcolm does except that she can go holier-than-thou on your ass. Her holy hand can be quite troturous.

**Gremlins is not just a movie.**

Some of the Engineers decided that Hoshi's rabbit that she brought back from a planet needed a bath. The bloody thing starting eating warp plasma.

**Stay away from strange leaves.**

If it looks like a leaf but smells funny or moves leave it be. Cammander Tucker is tired of taking them out of the ventillation ducts.

**Don't feed the Tribble.**

It will reproduce exponentially. You won't be able to force enough of them out an air hatch to recover. Phlox hates letting his bat loose to take care of said pranks.

**Don't paper Engineering.**

Commander tucker will find you. He will make you clean it up. He will make you scrub plarma conduits for three weeks straight.


	2. Part 2

**Chappie 2**

**16. The Comm system is not for personal music.**

Just because you like the music doesn't mean everyone else does, Hoshi.

**17. Alerts are for eminent dangers.**

Not as buzzers for trivia games or if someone is going to hit you, Mr. Tucker.

**18. Refrain from making Stargate or Star Wars references.**

Trip will not answer to the name Michael and Sub commander T'pol will have you court martialed for calling her Jaffa-girl.

**19. Decon is not for holding someone hostage.**

I don't care if they won't tell you where they hid your plasma rifles, you can't keep them in there, Malcolm.

**20. The ballistics lab is no excuse to blow something up. **

I don't want to keep fixing the bulkhead panneling in there. Once in awhile I can understand but you scientists are supposed to be cautious.

**21. The testing platform is not for warp surfing.**

Commander Tucker designed that platform specifically for test firing large weapons safely. It is dangerous to go surfing on it without Emily knowing, Travis.

**22. The transporter is not to be used as a threat.**

The transpoter is still a little shakey when it comes to moving bio-matter. I would not wish to have any unfortunate accidents.

**23. Holographic imagers are for educational purposes only.**

I don't want to scare off any more ghosts, Engineering team.

**24. Movie night is a privilege. **

Should anyone decide to play confidential conversations again I will personally disban the entertainment. The whole world didn't need to know that Mr. Tucker likes to talk about his fancies in his sleep.

**25. Hoshi does not teach swear words in other languages.**

It doesn't matter if it's in Vulcan or Angel, it's still a swear word. The English ones work just fine for all purposes.

**26. Do not feed Porthos cheddar.**

You will have to spend the night with him afterwards. Crewman MacArther still complains that his quarters smell.

**30. Do not hide the chocolate.**

One-third of this crew is female. They will maul you to get at the chocolate. Ensign Mayweather is scared for life.

**31. No condom balloons.**

I don't care if T'pol blushes green. Don't make me ban condoms. Then you can't have sex unless you're really serious.

**32. We do not have cheesy puffs.**

Maintenance refuses to clean the cheesy residue off of the consols any more. If you really murt have them keep them in the mess hall, cheese and all.

**33. No superhero references.**

I know they are idols but you cannot call Malcolm and Trip Batman and Superman. Their egos are already over inflated.

**34. No sugar before pod missions.**

Captain Archer will not tolerate the rushes and fall offs. He will duck tape you to your seat for the entire mission.

**35. No away missions when you're sick.**

Your infections have the potential to kill other sentient beings. Their families will not take that well. Ellesworth still sports a burn or two from the Drakes they encounterd.


	3. Part 3

**Chappie 3**

**No lightsabers. Real or otherwise.**

Miss Ellesworth has blown up to many prototypes and the toys are dangerous in these close quarters, Travis and MacArthur.

**No pantie pilfering.**

Believe it or not but that is part of the uniform. Hoshi will force you to wear a thong for the rest of the week.

**Make sure that T'pol and Hoshi are out of earshot when commenting their bums.**

They are your senior officers. They have funny ways of getting you back for comments like that.

**No criticizing Chef.**

He will cook nothing but blood pudding for a month straight. Malcolm-"The horror. The horror." curls up in fetal position

**No jock strap pilfering.**

Yes it deprives them of protection from the ladies assauts but they need those for physically taxing work. We will not have a work related accident like that.

**No comments about Vulcan ears in their presence.**

Vulcans find human fascination with their ears very illogical. T'pol is selfconcious of hers and will retaliate with snide comments abput yours.

**Starfleet underwear is mandatory.**

You never know when there will be a uniform exam. You don't wanna get caught in a thong or even worsse, going commando.

**If you feel the need to theorize about men's undershorts make sure they can't hear you**

Guys have the funny idea that they should show you when they eavsdrop on that particular conversation.

**No alien pets.**

I know Phlox has many but his are for medicinal purposes so stop bringing them aboard, Hoshi.

**All officers are to be sober when on duty. **

Emily does not want to spend another hour of Malcolm museing over T'pol's bum. Really is she just chopped liver compared to T'pol?

**The Dr. is the only person allowed to have laxatives.**

We will not have another incident like when Travis managed to get some. The senior staff spent the day in the bathroom.

**No super glue unless you have a good reason.**

You will not be superglueing new recruits to walls…or the ceiling.

**Do not stand behind an Angel.**

Emily conceals her wings because of space issues. When you get on her nerves she can unleash them with explosive force. Tucker flew 20 feet down a corridor. Let us not repeat his mistake.

**The maintenance crew may not be thrown out an airlock. **

Even if they cleaned the armory, Malcolm.

**Do not hit on the female senior officers. **

They are the senior officers. They no exactly what type they like. Some of them are even taken. Mal- "I know who you are and where you live." Trip-" I know where you work and many accidents can happen there."

**Porthos does not visit inhabited planets.**

After the tree incident we don't need anymore problems with him.

**Phlox's check-ups are mandatory.**

T'pol will hunt you down if necissary. She knows how to use deadly force with little effort.

**Malcolm and Charles are not to go on away missions alone.**

They end up acting like Batman and Superman. That's never a good thing. It usually leds to someone taken hostaage or shot (coughTripcough).

**Make-up is to be applied by the doctor only.**

Archer will not tolerate anymore clown faces in his mirror first thing in the morning before his coffee.

**Self-defense classes that are being taught by Malcolm and the Macos are mandatory.**

You never know when someone is going to test those skills. Phlox has seen to many unprepaired casualties.

**Duck tape can not fix hull breaches, no matter how much you use.**

Malcolm had lost half of his atmosphere before he found it didn't work. Thank god trip had the force fields working.


End file.
